trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
