when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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