I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
