i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
