i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The beer is more important than you right now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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