I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
