Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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