Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
