Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she looked like the before picture.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
