So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
