Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
