she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
