my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
