Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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