I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
