I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
