I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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