I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
