My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
