just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
