Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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