mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
