She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
