I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
