I wish I could teleport
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
