Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have post one night stand depression
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