it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
