That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
