I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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