i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
