You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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