doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
