i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
