omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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