sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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