Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
