woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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