Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
