Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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