i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
