Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
