No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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