hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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