you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
