Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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