from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
