You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
