Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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