Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
