I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
