I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
