That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
