I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
